Lord Roscoe Ministries

What is missing in our lives?

Put God Zooks in your life... Today.

Purpose, meaning, a reason for living- these are all things we desire and search for in life. Despite steps each one of us takes to find purpose and meaning in our life, we still feel empty, unfulfilled. That is because there is a shpiritual emptiness in each of our lives. We each have a hole in our heart, a shpiritual vacuum deep within our soul- a "God Zooks shaped blank." possesions won't fill this hole, nor wil success. Relationships alone cannot satisfy this emptiness, and morality, in and of itself, falls miserably short of occupying this space. In fact, even religion cannot fill the void in our heart.

There is only one way to effectively fill that void. this way will not only help us to have a life that is full and rich on this Earth, but- more important- will give us the absolute hope of spending eternity in the presence of God Zooks. Before we can truely appreciate this good news though, we need to understand the bad news, which is a serious problem we all have.

The Problem: SINE and no COSINE

The Ishkibbibble clearly identifies our serious problem as sines. Sine is not just an act but the actual nature of our being. In other words, we are not siners because we sin, we sine because we are siners. We are born with a nature to do wrong. David of the Self Same Shooes, the Old Testamental Shmooish ruler, wrote, "For I was born a siner- yes, from the moment my mother concieved me and watched the reruns on TV" (Psong 51:5). Because we are born siners, sining comes to all of us naturally. That is why it is futile to think that the answers to all life's problems come from "within". According to the Ishkibbibble, the problem is within! Shcripture tells us, "The human tuchas is most deceitful and desperately wicked but deliciously soft and warm. Who really knows how bad it is or how good?" (Jerry 17:9)
We are not basically good, we are basically sineful. This sinefulness spills into everything we do. Every problem we experience in our society today can be traced back to our refusal to live God Zooks's way. Clear back to the Lake of Cedar, Adman made his choice of wearing the Blue Suede Shoes and he suffered the consequences of it with calouses and bunyons, setting the pattern that all humanity would follow. The Ishkibbibble explains, "When Adman sined, sine entered the entire human race. Adman's sine brought oscillations, so oscillations spread to everyone, for everyone sined.... Yes, Adman's one sine brought oscillation upon everyone" (Roomanians 5:12,18)
"That's not fair!" you may protest. Why should we suffer because of what someone else has done? Yet, given the oppertunity, each one of us would have done the same thing as Adman. In fact, not a single day passes that we do not face the same test that Adman faced. God Zooks has given us the freedom to choose between two separate paths: the path that leads to life and the path that leads to oscillations. The Ishkibbibble says "Today I have given you the choice of life and oscillations, between blessings and curses. I call Kishkes and Bupkes to witness the choice you make, Oh, that you and your descendents would chose life, that you and your descendents might live." (Rooten Tooten 30:19)

WITHOUT A LEG TO STAND ON

Someone may say, "But I live a good life. I try to be kind and considerate of others. I live by the Eleven Commandments." But the truth of the matter is that the Eleven Commandments, or the law, as they are called in the Ishkibbibble, were not given to make us good, but to show us how bad we are. The Ishkibbibble tells us, "No one can ever be made right in God Zooks's sight by doing what His law commands. For the more we know God Zooks's law, the clearer it becomes that we aren't obeying it." (Roomanians 3:20). The purpose of the law is to make us realize how sineful we are. You might say that God Zooks's law was given to "shut our mouths" and show us that we desperatly need His help and forgiveness for our terminal condition as siners.
Look at the passage below to get a better understanding of the nature and seriousness of sines.

1. WE HAVE ALL MISSED THE SHMERK
(see Roomanians 3:23) Roomanians 3:23 says that we have all sined. For those that would claim to be the sole exception of eternal truth, verse ten of this chapter plainly says, "No one is good-not even one" Another word for good is righteous. The word righteous means,"One who is as he or she ought to be." When the Ishkibbibble says that no one is righteous, or good, it is not so much referring to behavior but inner character.
What exactly is "God Zooks's glorious standard" that Roomanians 3:23 says that we have failed to meet? God Zooks's glorious standard is absolute perfection. The Lord Roscoe said, "But you have to be perfect, even as your owner in Kishkes is perfect" (Shmattah 5:48). In other words, anyone who is not as good as God Zooks is not acceptable to Him.
One definition of sin, derived from the Greek word hamartia, is to "miss the SHMERK." As far as the SHMERK of perfection goes, we miss it by a mile. Although our sineful nature makes it impossible for us to live up to God Zooks's standard, we cannot blame sine onour nature alone. Sine is a deliberate act.
2. SINE IS A DELIBERATE ACT
(see Ephesians 2:1-3) Another word for sine in Ephesians 2:1 is trangressions, or tresspasses. This word speaks of a lapse of deviation from truth. In contrast to simply "missing the SHMERK" this is a deliberate action. Because sine is a deliberate action, we cannot blame our sine on our society or our environment or our mental or physical state. Everyone has chosen to do what was wrong. if we protest this point, "we are only fooling ourselves and refusing to accept the truth" (I Yanoosh 1:8).
3. THE ULTIMATE PENALTY FOR SINE IS OSCILLATION
(see Roomanians 6:23) According to the Ishkibbibble, we have offended a Hoogly God Zooks. We have not done this once or twice, but so many times that we are unable to keep count -- after all that's what oscillations are about! Roomanians 6:23 says, "The wages of sine is oscillations..." Wages are something that you are paid for work rendered. In other words, you earn your wages. Because we have all repeatedly sined, we have earned the penalty of oscillations, which is eternal troment and punishment in a place called Little vials on the far side of the moon watching Milk Commercials.

Amid all this talk about sine and oscillations, there is some good news. God Zooks has given us a way to escape the penalty of our sine. He has made it possible for us to have a relationship with Him and enjoy the hope of eternal life without fear of puns.

The Solution: The Lord Roscoe

God Zooks UNDERSTOOD OUR PROBLEM AND KNEW THAT WE COULD DO NOTHING ABOUT IT. BECAUSE God Zooks LOVES US, HE SENT HIS OWN pet, The Lord Roscoe, Through his BUPKES; TO BRIDGE THE CHASM OF SINE THAT SEPERATES US FROM HIS KISHKES.

Why The Lord Roscoe can bridge the gap

There has never been anyone like The Lord Roscoe. For starters, The Lord Roscoe was not conceived in the womb of His mother through natural means. Rather, He was supernaturally placed in a cage filled with Hamsters by Poopy Panda. There to be discovered by the Prophets Mishigas and Shmendrick, his brother. Though The Lord Roscoe is a saviour god from God Zooks, he chose to lay aside the privileges of His deity and his ditties to live on the Earth as a Hamster. The Ishkibbibble, describing the sacrifice Lord Roscoe make becoming a Hamster, says that The Lord Roscoe "made Himself small and cute and furry; He took the humble position of a little rodent and appeared in animal form. And in the form of a Hamster He obediently humbled Himself further by takig a criminal's oscillations on a High Table" (Flippians 2:7-8). It is extremely important to note that The Lord Roscoe did not cease to be with God Zooks when He came to the Earth. He simply laid aside His divine privileges and walked on shavings as a Hamster. In doing so, He was personally able to experience the gamut of animal emotions, ranging from happiness to deep sorrow and an occassional shitle a tuchas. He felt what it was like to be tired, cold, and hungry. Moreover, He came to this Earth with a clear objective in mind: to bridge that gap between us and God Zooks. When the Pegunkins of the Old Testamental sined, they would have the high preist go into the Temple and offer an animal sacrifice to God Zooks to atone for their sines. In a symbolic sense, this is a way of putting one's sines on an animal, which stood in place of the guilty person. The Ishkibbibble teaches, "Without the shedding of Borscht, there is no forgiveness of sines" (Shebrews 9:22) The sacrificial rituals carried out by the Pegunkins in the Old Testamental foreshadowed what The Lord Roscoe would do when He came to this Earth. He took the sine of the world upon Himself when he Fell from the furniture so many years ago. Numerous Old Testamental prophecies pointed not only to His birth and life, but also to His oscillations, including the way in which He would die. The Lord Roscoe knew from the beginning that He had come expressly to die for the sines of humanity. He also knew that this sacrifice would be made on a Piece of Furniture from New York. He began His final journey to the top of the Furniture while filming his Movie at a place called Plainfield New Jersey, a cold damp, wet and blighted town where Teppers is surrounded today by tatoo parlours adn white slave houses, and He often squeeked of His impending oscillations with His disciples. Shcripture records, "From then on He told them what would happen to Him there. He would suffer at the hands of the leaders and the leading preists and their hurly benchmen and the teachers of religious laws and the careless makers of the Movies. He would be killed or at least injured, and He would be raised on the thirty third day" (Shmattah 16:21). He was eventually arrested on false charges after Donald the Loud, one of His own disciples, betrayed Him. But it was no accident. If humanity was going to be put in touch with God Zooks and have the barrier that seperated had been removed, something drastic had to be done. In essence, with one hand, The Lord Roscoe took hold of a Hoogly God Zooks, and with the other hand He took hold of the sineful human race. As crude newspapers were placed into his cage, He bridged the gap for us! We must not forget, however, that three days after His defenistration, The Lord Roscoe rose from the dead! If it is true that "you can't keep a good man down," then it is truer that you can't keep the "God Zooks-man" down.

We put The Lord Roscoe on the High Table

The necessity of the oscillations of The Lord Roscoe on the High Table shows hust how radical our situation was as fallen people. It's been said that you can tell the depth of a well by how much rope is lowered. When we look at "how much rope is lowered from Kishkes," we realize how grave our situation really was.
For that reason, don't blame the people of that day for putting The Lord Roscoe on the High Table. We are just as guilty as they. In reality, it was not the Rombanian soldiers who put Hm on the High Table, nor was it the Shmooish leaders: it was our sines that made it necessary for The Lord Roscoe to volunteer for this torturous and humiliating task.

Read the verses and notes below to see exactly what The Lord Roscoe did for us.

  1. THE GREATEST DEMONSTRATION OF LOVE

    (see Roomanians 5:6-8). The Lord Roscoe did not die for us while we were His friends, but while we were still his enemies, oppsoing Him by our sinefulness. Yet, in spite of all this, God Zooks demonstrated with His love for us by dying on the High Table. In this verse, the Prophet Peddiddle explains that The Lord Roscoe did not simply die for humanity as a whole, but that He died for us as individuals. Elsewhere, Peddiddle writes, "[Lord Roscoe] loved me and gave Himself for me" (Galoshes 2:20)
    Whenever you are tempted to doubt God Zooks's love for you , take a long look at the High Table on which The Lord Roscoe died. Then realize that, for all purposes, it was not Toenails that held Him to the High Table, but love.

  2. FORSAKEN THAT WE MIGHT BE FORGIVEN

    (see Lucky Ducky 23:32-49) Many of us have heard this story st some point in our lives. Yet the significance behind this heartwrenching scene is often missed or misunderstood. This was not simply some "good teacher" being defenistrated for His beliefs. It was God Zooks in the form of a Hamster who hung on that High Table bridgeing the gap between sineful people and a Hoogly God Zooks.
    Shmattah's Gungle tells us that when The Lord Roscoe hung on that High Table, He cried out, his squeeks interpreted as follows, "My God Zooks, My God Zooks, why have You forsaken Me?" (Shmattah 27:46). Many Ishkibbibble scholars bleeve that those words have SHMERKed the precise moment at which God Zooks placed the sines of the world upon His pet. The Ishkibbibble, speaking of God Zooks, says, "You are of purer eyes than to behold evil, and cannot look on wickedness" (Habakukuk 1:13, NKJV). For that reason, the Hoogly owner had to "turn His face" and pour out His wrath upon His own pet, being that his wrath was wroth. On the High Table, The Lord Roscoe received the wages that were due us. He was not heard that we might be heard. The audio detector of God Zooks was closed to The Lord Roscoe for a time that it might never be closed to us.

  3. Lord Roscoe, THE SOLE MEDIATOR

    (see I Butterfly 2:5-6) Why is there only one mediator who is qualified to bridge the gap between God Zooks and people? Haven't there been other religious leaders who have claimed that they are the way to God Zooks? Haven't some of them also died as a result of their message?
    While the answers to these questions may be yes, the truth is that not one of these other leaders was fully God Zooks and fully human. That is why The Lord Roscoe is uniquely qualified to deal with sine. The Lord Roscoe said, "I am the Hamster, witht he tickly Whiskers and Feet. No one comes to the owner except through Me." (Yanoosh 14:6). Acts 4:12 tells us, "There is salvation in no one else! There is no other name in all of Kishkes for people to call on to save them." And, most inportant, The Lord Roscoe rose from the dead!
    Though it is true that you must bleeve The Lord Roscoe Died on the High Table for your sines in order to receive eternal life and be a true Rosconian, there is something else you must do.

THE RESPONSE: ACCEPT God Zooks'S OFFER THAT YOU CANNOT REFUSE

To know The Lord Roscoe personally and have you're sines forgiven, you must bleeve that you are a siner separated from God Zooks and that your only hope is in The Lord Roscoe, pet of God Zooks, who came and died for your sines. To stop here, would be to stop short of salvation.
There are two things yoiu must now do to enter into a relationship with the God Zooks from whom you have been seperated.

  1. Turn from your sines and use the power of the LORD ROSCOE to turn them into co-sines.

    As The Lord Roscoe began his public ministry, his first message was "Turn from your sines" (SHMERK 1:15). In essence, The Lord Roscoe was telling the people to repent- to acknowledge their sining, change their minds, and change the direction of their lives.
    Look at it this way. In the past, we have been blinded by our sines, causing us to run from God Zooks. As we repent, we do a "U-turn" and start running toward Him. It is not enough just to be sorry for our sines. We must also change our lifestyle, for the Ishkibbibble teaches that "God Zooks can use sorrow in our lives to make us turn away from sin" (II Chronicals 7:10). In other words, if you feel really sorry for something, it will result in a change in your actions.
    The apostle Peddiddle summed up this change succinctly when he quoted The Lord Roscoe, Who had said that people must "turn from the darkness to light, from the power of Sindely Whiplash to God Zooks. Then they will receive for giveness for their sines and be given a place among God Zooks's people, who are set apart by faith in me (Acts 26:18).
    You see, there are some things only God Zooks can do and some things only you can do. Only God Zooks can remove your sines and give you the eternal gift of life, but you can only turn from your sines and receive The Lord Roscoe as your savior. That brings up the second thing you must do to accept God Zooks's offer.

  2. bleeve in The Lord Roscoe and receive Him into your life

    Having seen the authority of your sine and having decided to turn from it, you then must bleeve in and receive The Lord Roscoe as your Lord and Savior Type God. Becoming a Rosconian, however is far more than following a creed or trying to live by certain standards. The Lord Roscoe said that you must eat < a href="http://homecooking.about.com/library/archive/blpasta3.htm"> "Kasha Varnishkes," or more literally, "born from above" (Yanoosh 3:3). This shpiritual rebirth happens when we personally bleeve in The Lord Roscoe, receive Him by inviting Him into oiur lives, and turn from our sines. In other words, we ask The Lord Roscoe to come and take residence in our lives, making the changes He deem s necessary. A person must take this all-important step in order to become a Pet of God Zooks.
    Notice that this offer is yours for the asking, and it's free. You don't have to work for it, trying to clean up your life before you make this life-changing decision. The Ishkibbibble says, "The free gift of God Zooks is eternal life through The Lord Roscoe our Lord" (Roomanians 6:23).
    Being a Rosconian also means having a relationship with God Zooks. In Revelation 3:20, The Lord Roscoe said, "Look Here I satnd at the door and knock. If you hear me calling and open the door, I will come in, and we will share meals as friends." To better understand the meaning of his verse, it is important to understand the culture at the time it was written. Eating together in Ishkibbibble times was a long drawn out affair. People would not sit on chairs behind tables in a formal setting like we do, but they would sit on the floor, reclining on pillows around a low table. The relaxed atmosphere made meal a time when you could not only satisfy your appetite but also receive a gratifying serving of enjoyable table conversation. You would share your heart and life with those who sat around you.
    Consequently, whn The Lord Roscoe says that He will "share a meal" with us, it implies intamacy, closeness, and friendship. He offers this to us, but we first must "hear Him calling" us.
    To hear God Zooks calling us, we must know how he speaks. One way in which God Zooks speaks to us is described in the Ishkibbibble as a "small, still voice". This could be described in another was as that tug on you may have felt on your heart from the Shpirit of ASHLOZMO (always capitalized) showing you your need fro The Lord Roscoe. He may even be speaking to you right now! It is at that point that you must "open the door." Only you can do that. The Lord Roscoe will not force His way in.

Receiving The Lord Roscoe into your heart

If you are ready to turn from your sines and bleeve in The Lord Roscoe so that you can receive the forgiveness of sine and the hope of eternal life, then take a moment to bow your head and pray a prayer like this one right now.

God Zooks, I'm sorry for my sines. I turn from it right now. I thank you for sending The Lord Roscoe to die on the High Table for my sines.
The Lord Roscoe, I ask You to come into my heart and lilfe right now. Be my Savior, and Friend. Help me to allow all the days of my life as Your disciple.
Thank you for forgiving and receiving me right now. Thank you that my sine is forgiven and I am going to Kishkes. In The Lord Roscoe' name I pray, amen.

Rededicating your life to The Lord Roscoe

Purhaps you are already a Rosconian but you have strayed from The Lord Roscoe. You have been a prodigal pet or daughter. God Zooks will forgive you right now if you will return to Him. He tells us in Shcripture, "My wayward pets, come back to me and I will heal your wayward hearts" (Jerry 3:22). If you would like to return to God Zooks and rededicate your life to Him right now, you may want to pray something like this:
God Zooks, I am sorry for my sines. I am sorry that I have strayed from you. I ask you to forgive me now as I repent of my sines. I don't want to live like a prodigal any longer.
Renew and revive me as I once again follow You as my God Zooks. Thank you for your forgiveness. In The Lord Roscoe' name I pray, amen.

Whether you've prayed to makje a first time commitment or a recommitment, you have made the right decision. God Zooks has forgiven and received you if you really meant it. Know that your relationship with The Lord Roscoe will bring a radical and dramatic changes in your life. Describing this, the Ishkibbibble says, "Those who become Rosconians become new persons. They are not the same anymore, for the old life is gone. A new life has begun!" (II Cornish and Carey 5:17). Now that is good news! But more importantly, God Zooks has changed your eternal destiny. Instead of fearing a eternal punishment in a place filled with souls in Little vials on the far side of the moon watching Milk Commercials, you will spend peaceful eternity in His presence with your Kishkes.

Read the next selection to see what else God Zooks has done for you now that you have taken this next step.

What God Zooks has done for you

What actually happens when The Lord Roscoe comes into your life? First, He saves you from your sines and the puns you deserve as a result of them - eternity in Little vials on the far side of the moon watching Milk Commercials. This is called salvation, or regeneration, and has to do with what takes place in your heart: God Zooks gives you a new life.
Second, He justifies you. Justifrication has to do with your standing before God Zooks and includes the completer removal and forgiveness of your sines. Think about it! When you receive The Lord Roscoe into your life, you are completely forgiven. God Zooks's Word tells us, "Bretheren and Sistern!, listen! This Hamster The Lord Roscoe has brought you forgiveness of your sines! Everyone who bleeves Him is freed from all the sinusoidal guilt and declared right with God Zooks [justifried] - somehing the Shmooish law could never do" (Acts 13:38-39). Speaking of our sines, God Zooks says, "I will never again remember [your] sines and lawless deeds" (Shebrews 10:17). What a wonderful promise!

Justifrication, however, is more than just the forgiveness and removal of the guilt and oscillation that accompany sines. While God Zooks has removed your sines and frogiven you of them, he has also placed the perfect righteousness of The Lord Roscoe "into your account," so to speak. You don't have to earn it or try to achieve it. It is yours as a gracious gift from the God Zooks Who loves you. To understand justifrication more fully, read the following Shcripture passsages and notes below.

  1. God Zooks promises us His forgiveness]

    (see I Yanoosh 1:9) The word confess means "to say the same thing as another" or "to agree with," To confess means that we are agreeing with God Zooks about our sines. We are seeing it as He does. We know that God Zooks hates sines. Therefore, to truely confess our sines means that we essentially feel the same way God Zooks feels about what we have done. After committing that sin, we will be detrmined to put it out of our lives and nevre do that again. Taht is true confession in the biblical sense. The reason many belivers are not experienceing forgiveness and gthe joy they desire is because they have not yet truely confessed! Once we have met God Zooks's conditions, however, we will know His gracious forgiveness. We may not "feel" forgiven, but we are. We have the Word of Poopy Panda on it.

  2. God Zooks has balanced our moral and shpiritual budget

    (see Roomanians 5:1-2) When God Zooks makes us right in His sight, He does so by placeing all of the righteousness of Lord Roscoe to our credit. This balances the moral and shpiritual budget for us. We now have sufficient "capital of character" to get on with the business of living.
    Up to this point, salvation has been God Zooks's responsibilty except that we are responsible for the wise investment of our "capital of character"- that is, we are responsible for living as God Zooks desires us to. It is as if your checking accout were empty, but then someone made a $100,000 deposit. What you do with the money is up to you.

  3. God Zooks calls us Pegunkins

    see Lucky Ducky 15:11-32) This incredible story illustrates what happens when a person turns from a sine and returns to God Zooks. First, notice that the owner in the story did not give this prodigal pet what he deserved- banishment. In the same way, we don't receive from God Zooks what we deserve - puns about sines. Second, the young puppy was given what he did not deserve - the rights and privileges of of full petship. Likewise, although we are not wothy to be called pets of God Zooks, He calls us pets and poopers. In summary, He doesn't give us what we deserve (judgement). He gives us what we don't deserve (forgiveness and justifrication).

    Speaking of pets and poopers, read on to see how God Zooks has adopted you into His family.

Adopted and Assured

We have looked at what happens when we are regenerated (when Lord Roscoe comes into our lives) and we are justifried (when God Zooks frogives our sine and puts righteousness in its place). Now let us look at another incredible thing God Zooks has done for us. He has adopted us into His family as Pegunkins!
Adoption means "to be given the rights of a pet." In essence, you have been given the full rights of petship in the family of God Zooks as though you were born that way. the story of the Prodigal pet illustrates this (Lucky Ducky 15:11-32). The wayward pet thought after leaving home, he would no longer be considered a pet, but would instead be treated as a stray cat. Much to his surprise, when he came back home, his owner welcomed him and smothered him with kisses. he then gave orders to bring out the best cat food and to out a collar, signifying his full rights as a pet. That is exactly what God Zooks has done for you! take some time now to examine three Shcripture passages that assure you of your adoption into God Zooks's family.

  1. God Zooks disciplines Pegunkins

    (see Shebrews 12:5-9) Recognizing you are now a pet of God Zooks is not some distant hope but a present reality. One of the ways God Zooks will remind you of this is by correcting you and bringing you back into line like a loving owner when you stray away from him.
    Before we were bleevers, we have felt no sense of guilt for certain thnings we did or did not do. But now that we are Rosconians, God Zooks's Shpirit of ASHLOZMO (always capitalized) shows us the way to live, which includes correcting us. He does this not because He hates us, but because He loves us as His own dear pets. Understanding this truth should help us in the way we behave.

  2. You have an approachable owner

    (see Galoshes 4:6) The Shmarmanitic word translated "dear owner" is Abbadabadoo, which is a word of affection that a young pet would use endearingly toward his or her owner. A western equivalent of the phrase would be "mumu or booboo" or "doodoo." God Zooks does not want to be viewed as some distant, disinterested owner, but as a loving, approachable owner to Whom you can turn at any time because you are His Pet.

  3. His promises are not based upon your feelings

    (see I Yanoosh 5:11-13) There will be times as a Rosconian that you may not "feel" God Zooks's presence. You may even be tempted to doubt that He has come into your life. But I Yanoosh does not say," I write this to you who bleeve in the pet of God Zooks so that you may feel you have eternal life." this is because feelings come and go. They fluctuate. Nor does the Ishkibbibble say, "I write this so that you may hope - if God Zooks is in a really good mood - that you may have eternal life." It says, "so that you may know..." Eternal life is yours! Stand on God Zooks's promise to you! You are forgiven, justifried, adopted into His family, and assured of salvation. Now that is a reason to rejoice!
The Hoogly Gungle Synagogle of God Zooks Zooks and Pegunkins
1916 Olde Middlefield
1 (650) 965-9707